Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Good Morning...not...I need some coffee or sleep....maybe both ASAP

 I wish I could sleep in.  The hubs gets up and gets everyone else in the house up too because God forbid we should get to sleep if he's going to work.  See, there's this issue here, if HE wants to sleep in then we'd all better be quiet and not disturb him, but it's perfectly okay for him to disturb us.

When I first started dating him and staying with him at his mom's home on the weekends she did this too.  Everyone had to get up, didn't matter if I had just got home from work and collapsed and needed the sleep, I had to get up too. He bitched about it back then, funny how 25 years changes one's outlook.

And let me stop there for a moment, Just so you know, my then boyfriend, now husband of almost 25 years, did not live with his mom.  She lived (at that time) an hour away in a sleepy little summertime vacation spot popular for hiking trails and wild fly fishing rivers. My husband would go home on the weekends to help her with whatever.  She became a mom in her late 30's so she's a full 20 years older than my mom.  She's a widow. Her husband lost his life in a logging accident in 1966 before my husband had turned a year old.  She never married again never had any more kids.  He takes care of his mom because they pretty much don't have anyone else.  Once I felt I could trust him to not be some axe murderer or rapist trying to haul me off to the TN mountains to do his thing then I would travel to his mom's home on the weekends. I slept in his room, he slept on the sofa.  Yeah, 25 years makes a difference in how things work huh?

And back to my story: He's now doing the very same thing his mother did. EXACT. SAME. THING.   UGH!!!!!  Then doesn't understand why we are upset?  We just go back to bed anyway, let sleeping dogs lie...woofwoofwoof!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Life, Lemonade, Car Accidents, Depression and fear

I need to vent, which means I'll chase some rabbits in this post too .

I'm dirt poor and I mean that in the most literal sense of the term. Everything we have has been hard scrabbled on a wing and a prayer and I'm damn tired of it.  Life has thrown more lemons than I care to think about and I keep waiting for the punch line to finally be revealed.  It just isn't happening.

Unless I am the punch line?

What am I talking about, you ask?

Well, everything had been looking up for us, well, at least we had finally started being able to stay out of the negative in our bank account so much so that my husband bought himself a 1999 Mercedes that was in really good shape and had 77k miles on it.  We paid cash.  Granted it was what was left of an early cashout of his 401k that we used to pay off a significant amount of debt, but still, he needed a newer car since out Toyota's wheel literally had fallen off.

THREE WEEKS. We had that pretty little black Mercedes that we referred to as the Mafia Mobile, THREE. WHOLE. WEEKS.  Can't tell you exactly what happened, hubby isn't clear on it because, as you know accidents happen so fast....













Well, police declined to name who was at fault because it was an intersection accident.  One of those "I had the light" situations, so the police let the insurance companies fight it out.  My husband was declared at fault.  We only had liability.  He has been in a foul, bordering on violent mood ever since, even wishing he would have died in this accident.  He doesn't seem to comprehend just how lucky he was that he simply walked away from this accident with just a bruise.  He's alive and should be thankful, but he isn't.  Instead he's angry because he survived???? I just dont' understand.

He suffers from clinical depression but had been fine for a long time.  Now...........SIGH.  Over a car. Over our bills and guess what, we're not irresponsible people.  We have a house payment, 2 credit card payments, internet bill, phone bill($15 a month), no cell phones,no cable or satellite tv, car insurance, electric bill, water bill, and a student loan.  That's it.  I work part time. My oldest son works part time and goes to school. My husband works full time and has a master's degree. We just happen to live in an economically depressed area that has never been anything but economically depressed since the 1930's.  The simple solution would be to sell the house and move right?

Wrong.

We own the 60 acres the house sits on.  We rent the property out to a farmer for his cattle.  It's just enough rent to cover property taxes.  I tried to get the hubby to raise the rent and he refused out of the fear our renter would pull out.  I tried to get the hubby to terminate the lease , raise the rent, and advertise, he refused out of the fear no one would rent it again.

He wants to run a fly fishing business here. We have two favorite wild rivers that are close to us so it would be an easy business to get off the ground.  He won't go ahead because he's afraid to fail.

Fear
Fear
Fear

I get the feeling depression is born out of fear.

I know all about fear.  He doesn't think I care or understand, that's all on him and him alone.

I know what it's like to look at my kids, who I homeschooled, or at least tried, and wonder what have I done?  They're good kids, smart as can be, but they run differently than other kids their age.  They're outsiders because they don't smoke pot or do drugs or drink or sleep with everyone. They're not covered in tattooes or piercings. They work for everything they want and that's what I wanted for them, but I'm terrified for them because they're different than other kids their age and believe me those kids and young adults absolutely do notice.  Most of the time they're not nice about it either.

I'm terrified every time my husband voices his thoughts that he should just die because one day he just might do it. Not because I'll miss the money...what money? Could someone please show me all this wonderful money he's referring to, PLEASE??? But he accuses me of just staying with him for the money.  I've already said that if I were to become single again for whatever reason I won't remarry.  Live with him, sleep with him, but I'll never marry again.  I just can't do the stress of it again.  I made myself open and vulnerable and wanted to be his best friend but when it came down to it, he rejected me.  We want the same things, have the same dreams, but don't see eye to eye on how to get there.  For him everything has to be perfect and just right, winds in his favor, whatever, before he'll take a step.  For me, If I just don't step out on blind faith and just do it then I end up where I am right now, whining on my blog.  I allow the fear to creep in.  The, oh no!  If I do that then I'll be broke or I'll fail and I begin to sound like him.

I'm terrified everytime I look at my brain scans.  Where did that ugly degenerating thing come from?  What will it cause on down the road? What does this mean for my kids?

I'm terrified every time the phone rings.  Who's hurt or dead this time?

I'm terrified every time I look at the schedule at work and see yet more hours cut from my check.

My parents are creeping on up in age.  So is his mother who is 20 years older than my mother.

I simply don't know what to do anymore.

And.

I'm scared.





Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Three Best Workouts Out There

Keep in mind, I'm old school and I'm just plain old too...

Tiffany Rothe workouts,,,,short 10-15 minute workouts that leave you thinking "Is that it?  I wanna do it again!"  Find her on youtube

Suzanne Deason Pilates for Weight Loss, simple routine that is shown from 3 different stages in your pilates ability beginner intermediate and advanced

Suzanne Deason Stability/balance  Ball for beginners

And there you have it, give it a try.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Stability Balls, Lady GaGa, and what's for breakfast?

I am convinced my stability ball is out to get me.  I've had ol' faithful for a couple of years.  She's been neglected, abused by giant puppies (aka AJ the mud puppy), and had several large adults and children sit on her for no other reason than she was the most convenient place to sit at the time. So today, she pays me back by dumping me into the floor.  I'm gonna have to fire that bitch or give her a raise....

I know everyone under God and sundry watched or has heard about the Super Bowl.  I didn't watch it but used it as an excuse to make my famous, high calorie, high carb, high everything stromboli and listened to what is one of the best renditions of Star Spangled Banner I've heard in a long damn time, next to Faith Hill, and Whitney Houston.  Personally, I wish GaGa would just shut up and sing, and DAMN did she ever sing last night.  Say what you like about her, she's got talent in spades.

So, following up on that stromboli.....this is the BEST of the BESTEST coconut flour pancake recipes I have ever found



http://alldayidreamaboutfood.com/2012/04/light-and-fluffy-coconut-flour-pancakes-low-carb-and-gluten-free.html

The only thing I changed is that I used 2 packets of stevia instead of swerve, added a dash of cinnamon, and fried it in coconut oil.

Served with sugar free syrup, not a bite left.  YUM!

I think I'll try these next: coconut flour biscuits, leave out the honey add a packet of stevia and tsp of apple cider vinegar, and a pinch of baking powder to get them to rise a bit better.

http://it-takes-time.com/2014/10/coconut-flour-biscuits.html#_a5y_p=2927754

So there's a little news from my otherwise quiet world.  Have a good day.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I don't like lemonade

Life has been throwing lots of lemons at me lately.  The most rotten one was a preliminary diagnosis of prominent cortical atrophy of my brain.  In simple language, my brain is shrinking a bit more than the radiologist liked.



 








So 6 months later I finally get to see the neurologist only to discover she hasn't even looked at the mri yet, but here I am in her office prepared to hear the worst only to hear her say 'oh! I didn't know you had an mri!"  5 minutes later she says "looks normal to me"

Ummmm okay? So she schedules another appt for 6 months down the road...whatevs, I think I'll cancel it in favor of getting a second opinion, just to be safe.

Two weeks later I get to see the opthalmolgist because in the same diagnosis of prominent cortical atrophy I was also told 'hey! you have cataracts'

Eye doctor looks at me eyes, "no you don't have cataracts you just need glasses."

So, okay, the bifocals don't help, my eye sight is just as bad, if not worse than its ever been and I *STILL* can't see in the rain or at night, better yet I can't see to drive on a rainy night, period.

At the same initial diagnosis I'm told "You're very anemic." those of you who have read this blog already knew this, as did I, but this is a new to me doctor so I let him know this is nothing unusual for me. Does he listen to the person who knows her body best? Of course not.

1 colonoscopy later and he knows now,, as well as I did then, I'm not bleeding from anywhere in my body.  My gynecologist politely tells him off when he suggests to her it's female issues when we both know that where I once bled to death on a monthly basis, I now have a period 1-3 times a year and it only lasts about 3 days and it's fairly light.

I am convinced that I need new doctors.

OH! And in the weight world, dear God, I'm at 227 lbs from the pure stress of the last year! And. It. Won't. Budge.

Sigh.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

Gotta get my grove back

Are you ready?

Let's do this then!


I am 5ft 7.  At present I am weighing in at 211 pounds. That is an eleven pound drop from 2 weeks ago. It's still a 13 pound gain from a few months back. So back to square one. No more eating out. I'm throwing my fat girl clothes out so I have nowhere to go since backwards/bigger will not be an option. Low carb and high veggie intake, easy on the sugar, and get back on the walking trail.

Do what I know. Diet and supplements.

Do what works. Low impact video workouts since my body can't take the stress of high impact anything, walking, weights, and pilates.

Do what it takes. Commitment and focus.

Dust my ass off since I fell on it then stayed there for a while.

Report back here with my progress so ya'll can hold me accountable and I can try to help you too. Deal?




Saturday, March 1, 2014

Stuff n things

I applied to be a Train Dirty Fitness ambassador. Haven't heard back from it but that's okay.  Working on a low stress low impact workout since my body is still not on remission from whatever is causing this flare of killer psoriaisis and the number of sundried afflictions that decided to tag along for the ride.  My muscles more than joints are killing me but are steadily getting better as I reduce the gluten in my diet. I am turning slowly toward a more vegetable based diet, not necessarily total vegetarian because  my body seems to require meat based proteins apparently to keep up with red blood cell production which is odd considering leafy greens are supposed todothe same thing. Go figure.

I am in love with bok choy to say the least. I use it in home made chicken noodle soup and learned to sautee it in butter or grapeseed oil and sea salt. Yummy, even if I do say so myself

Same for kale. I wish I had tried it sooner. That's my advice to everyone, branch out a little, give yourself permission to try something new. You might find a new favorite. Or not. But try it anyway.