Monday, January 30, 2012

Just a little vent here

I'm guessing I'm just in 'that' age brackett but several of my friends and family members have been diagnosed with breast cancer over the last year. I said something along those lines to my husband,who is known for being an insensitive lout.  His reply was something along the lines of telling me to get a mammogram because he would be most unhappy if I had to have one or both of the girls cut off.

What if I've had cancer for several years without knowing it?  What if there is a tiny little speck of cancer found to be malignant and they have to be taken to 'make sure'?  Would he still love me if I had to have them removed to save my life?  What kind of person tells his wife she'd better not lose 'the girls"?  Is my life that unimportant to him?  Is my only worth to him my breasts?  Really?

I didn't have breasts when we married.  In fact, I sprouted them when pregnant with my oldest son and they opnly got bigger with my second son and subsequent weight gain in the decade that followed.  What could have possibly been his attraction to me back then?  I didn't have 'fun bag assets' 22 years ago. I was just a 'librarian look' church mouse who dressed like a tomboy. I just happened to catch his eye because I was...was...what?  I think he told the marriage counselor that he fell in love with me because I was honest. But who knows why he asked me out? I don't think he knows even to this day.

Honesty has an important place in marriage,but was that all there was too me?  No sense of humor?  No other qualities like sparkling eyes?  Pretty hair?  Long shapely legs? Oh wait, I had long legs but shapely wasn't part of the description.  At 5ft7 and 90 lbs I didn't have curves anywhere except where my skeleton showed through =) Was  I not caring? gentle natured? Spirited? Opinionated?  All I get was I love her because she's honest? Oh and add boobs, I love her because she's honest then a few years later she grew boobs.

I made a two page list of all the reasons I fell in love with him and I'm not a touchy feely person.  I don't do emotions.  I very rarely wrote long letters declaring my undying love, hmmm, I'm pretty sure I never wrote one for him.  That could be bad lol!.  I've always been a take it or leave it kind of girl.  Except where he's concerned.  Obviously, he hasn't put that much thought into it himself.

I guess I'm just not sure what he meant by his comment.  If his life hung in the balance and the doctors said they had to remove a part of his body to ensure his survival then cut whatever it is off.  It doesn't make him any less of a person, my husband to me. 

Maybe that's where the difference lies? I can accept someone for who they are, faults and all, no strings attached. He can't.

Isn't that a terrible way to live?

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